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Part of a chapter from my book…..
Growing up without a father didn’t faze me much on the outside, but it did on the inside. There are only two people on earth that you are suppose to know for sure will always love you, and that’s your mom and dad. But I only had my mom, only half of the love that I was suppose to have. This made me think certain things about men, but I will go deeper into ‘Daddy Issues’ later.
On the other side was my biological father’s family. My grandma whom I loved dearly was a great woman and while she was alive, I saw my cousins on that side quite a bit. I enjoyed my time with her, growing up I always thought she was part white, her skin tone was much lighter than mine and so I figured that must be it. Later I found out that no it was Native American Indian, so now I am a African American Indian, ok I will roll with it.
When she died, my ties to that family died with her. I remember being at the funeral at 9 years of age, and seeing a woman whisper to another lady, pointing at me. ‘That’s her over there.’. She said it with such disgust in her voice that I knew it wasn’t a good thing, that I wasn’t a good thing. I ran to my mom and told her what had happened. I asked her who the lady was and she told me it was my father’s wife. What??!! He has a wife, goes to show you how much i know. My Mom went over and said something to her, all i can say is the look on my mom’s face was not friendly. At the funeral, I got a program and my name was in it but it wasn’t my name. I was very confused and turned to my mom.
‘Why do they have this last name on me?’
‘Thats your last name?’ my mom explained
‘Then what last name do I have?’
‘Thats my first husbands’ last name?’. WHAT??!! What the heck is going on a few days ago everything was good and now…. I have split personality with different names, women pointing and talking about me, and not to mention my Yoda is died. This is not a good day, not at all.
This was the first day I realized that something was wrong with me. That who and what I thought I was, wasn’t true at all. This was beyond me, I thought I was normal and ok, but this day I was made aware that I’m broken.