Part of a chapter from my book…..
As I'm leaving I either had to go left or right, Left would take me straight to the get together I was going to a bit earlier than planned, and right would take me to my mom's home. My life came to a choice, I could either go left or I could go right. I choose left, a man died, and I will forever wonder if that choice was the reason why.
That night was so clear and such a blur all at the same time. Seeing the last moments of someone's life changes you, and when the end is something that could have been avoided it makes you question things. You see I saw the first car hit his body and I watched him fly over her car. I swerved to miss him and turned my head just in time to see the truck behind me run over his head. These are things I can't un-see, these are moments I can't un-live, this is a guilt that I can't get rid of. Because I moved over and allowed the truck behind me to delivery the blow that killed him. I use the word allowed, because that is how I feel. I allowed. I made a choice and I allowed.
Do I still think about the man that died that Friday night? Yes I do. Because he is now and forever a part of my story, and I don't even know what he looked like, because when I got out of my car that was at his feet, and walked over to see if there was any chance that he was still alive. There was no face for me to see, so all I have is a name and I will never forget him. I wondered for years why did this happen, why didn't I just go right. But that's life isn't it? We so often go left when we should have gone right, and that decision changes us. I gained a lot of strength in that situation and the months that follow. I have to admit, I didn't turn to God immediately like I should have. I tried but I was so numb with guilt that I couldn't. I knew that he was there with me, I knew that people were praying over and for me, but I couldn't see it then, I see it now. Because a few times I talked about and attempted to take my life, because I was overwhelmed with the guilt and images of what I experience. Even though I felt, as if I was done and wanted to just disappear, God had a plan for me and it didn't include me slipping out of this life.
Sometimes God calls us to activate our faith in great way. Things will happen that will shake us and cause us to have to only lean on him. These are the times that he strengthens our faith. These are the times when we have to decide that no matter what… yet will I praise him, yet will I put my trust in him, yet will I believe that, you God has me. Because he does, he has our back, he knows that this trouble that we are in will end. He knows that the thing that overwhelms us has a set day to end, but he also knows that the journey there will grow us in ways that we would have never had if things would have stayed the way they were. So take heart in the fact that ALL things work together for good, and that the struggles you face are don't always make sense and sometimes they just aren't fair. Remember to lean on him, trust in him, plant your feet and say, 'Lord, I know you have me and I will praise you through this storm.'